By Jared Waugh

Years ago,
It seemed easy to
Ignore your off-hand comments
And mentally cut into the skin over my heart
To not rock the boat and
let it pass smoothly through choppy waters.

Maybe it was because then 
We had years.
Now we have months
Not yet weeks
Days, hours
Minutesseconds.

It already feels too late.
No good to give any measure of time to despair.

You speak so directly
With such casual disdain
Of individuals and institutions that are so integral to me
Against principles that you yourself instilled in me
That I thought we shared.
You speak so proudly of those who
With a level of detachment befitting bureaucrats
Would destroy the lives of those we don’t even know
Of my friends
Of me.

At one point, years ago
It seemed possible to compromise with you on
Such things, which are, with the benefit of hindsight
Beyond such things.
But that was years ago.
This is now.

Even now, imagine
My surprise as I become more intolerable
Without your knowledge
Less of the child you knew.
Less palatable
More queer
More words that I could never use around you
without rocking the boat.

Imagine my joy
At the realization and becoming.
Imagine my heartbreak
Over knowing that I can never really share any of it with you.

Would you speak the way that you do
Think the way that you do
If you knew who I discovered in myself?
If I had the courage to tell you?
I don’t know.
Would I have known peace
If I had let our relationship die
Like I was told to?
If I had followed through on a mercy killing brought about by
The love I have for you
of not wanting that animal to suffer?
I don’t know.

Years ago
I killed nothing.
And now
I feel like I am condemned
watching something slowly die.
Having exhausted all other options through inaction
Being only able to watch.
There are no tears
But something like a bruise forming over
My chest, which might’ve housed a scar if
Years ago
I had suffered the pain and
Let time heal the wound.
I may never know.

As the sun sets on one era
As the shadow of November inches closer towards us both each day
As I come closer to asking you to choose
between that man and your child
I fear I may never know
I fear to know
If you ever felt the burden of such a choice at all.